Adapting Shapes

Doing something that we decidedly abhor is the best transitional phase. Some disciplines are rigid, restrictive, and leave a metallic taste in our mouths. They are prison bars closing in on us, causing unimaginable pain. Enough pain to motivate us to get out of there. Enough pressure to morph our skull into obscene, twisted, adapting shapes.

These obscene shapes are beautiful despite their horrible origins. Their curves are elegant. Their turns are inspiring. To deal with pain, we adapt. To deal with such disciplines, we must also adapt.

How are we adapting? What is it that we do to cope?

This summer, I opted to take summer courses. One class required does not sit well with me. It has led to lost hours of sleep and broken pencils. Despite my efforts, I have not performed well on tests.

I have not given up, but merely acknowledged that this is not a discipline I wish to explore further. Instead, to ease the pain, I have realized that sketching has come more naturally and more frequently. These are the elegant curves an  inspiring twists I was referring to before.

From something difficult, even a learning experience (in this case a class), can rise something wonderful: an idea, a revelation, the start of a hobby, a series of sketches.

When looking for something bad, we will find it. It is when we look in between the bars and through the blinding pain that we see the good. Something good that can launch us towards a more constructive future direction.

Presumptuous vs Crazy

I am writing from a moment I will one day look back upon. Most people, from my understanding, don’t pause. It’s that saying, the cliche that we all reiterate from time to time, “stop to smell the roses.” Now, here when I refer to this, I mean to say that I am stopping to smell the metaphorical roses. Their fragrance is the acknowledgement that this point in my life is a point to which I will look back in the future. There is more that I will do. There is more that I can do. Is this presumptuous of me?

I am merely saying this in response to the often chimed, “you don’t know your potential,” from colleagues. The truth is, I really do not. This is not, by any means, one of those, “does this make me look fat?” kind of question, where I know I look skinny and want you to tell me so. It is an honest expression that I am uncertain of my own potential.

So, I ask, how does one understand their own potential? In my understanding, there is something called the self-fulfilling prophecy, where if you hold an idea about yourself (or others), and the way you act in response, will prove this notion so. However, there is also something that I should dismiss but cannot, called the “jinxing effect,” (I have made this term up) where you hold an idea about yourself (or others), and the way you act, will make this notion false.

To think that I will go far, accomplish this or that, achieve something that today seems extraordinary seems like a way to jinx myself, or to give myself to much credit. On the other hand, I feel that there is a certain momentum lately. I am in a position where I can achieve goals that, not long ago, seemed crazy to even think about.

To the question I posed above, it is not presumptuous. Is it crazy? Sure. But looking at where I am now, isn’t life itself crazy?

Structure vs Ambiguity

One of the main tenets of Organizational Behavior is motivation. How does one effectively manage people? Be empathetic. We must understand what it is to be in the position of someone else, whether above or below hierarchically. This requires what some call soft skills, or people skills. If I were working in such and such condition, what would I want, what would I expect from my environment and my superiors?

As an intern, there is one thing that I understand is essential in managing people: feedback. As a millenial, I am described as needy, fearful of the ambiguous, etc. However much I wish to negate such descriptions, one holds true. In my work, I value structure to the extent that I am given positive feedback.

I hope that in all my work to not only meet expectations but surpass them. I hope to help as many as I can. I hope to do my best. And, moreover, I hope that my best meets expectations. Without a small amount of structure, how should one be confident in a job well done? Without known expectations and positive feedback, working would be an attempt to solve to’x’ when there is no equation.

Blue Paperback Textbook Cover

Thin paper sheets in a disorderly pile lay on the carpet. There are hand over eyes scrawled  handwritten notes and printed lecture notes. There is a thick volume 1 Accounting textbook. It’s blue paperback cover mirrors the feelings I have as I open it: flimsy hopefulness and my mood turns blue.

Accounting has been both a source of delight and strain. I look at the big picture. The big picture of Accounting is to make the different financial statements to balance and match. It is exciting to make the sheets balance and understand the categorizing and calculations. But, to calculate is a bit out of my abilities thus far (though, by the end of this weekend, I hope to say differently).

This July and early August will be consumed with such descriptions and moments: textbooks and a pounding brain. I am in the BASE Program through the Business School. The workload is heavy and the material is foreign to me. I am enjoying the challenge.

This challenge has led me to ask: is my GPA more important than tangible work experience and maintaining relationships with those I have met through work?

Today, from 12:00pm-4:00pm I had two options: work with my marketing group to complete our project due next week, or go to a Twitter company picnic at Golden Gate Park. Guess which I picked. Guess which I wish I chose. Next Monday I have the choice to come into work and help with a project and acquire a new skill set, or I can study for my Accounting quiz on Tuesday.

Usually I attempt to answer a question, but today I am asking without  a clear answer. Does the significance of a high GPA outweigh the value of relationships?

Guitar Lessons

My sister never played her guitar. When I took it to school with me, there was dust that had settled atop it. Now the tips of the fingers on my left hand have an invisible toughness that will only be getting tougher. Last night, I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, for I had promised myself a few trials of the Major Scale. This ended with singing Three Little Birds played with simple chords.

Practicing guitar is not painful. But instead, it is something I look forward to now. A friend of mine had told me to allot 15 minutes a day to practice. Regulating the time I would practice sounded too scheduled and with school, impossible. Practicing is not a chore to be scheduled but a reward after reading, etc.

Today, though my reading is more than just a few pages and pushing towards a short novella, I am really enjoying it.

Just like work. My internship has given me opportunities. And I can explain to you what I do and how I do it, how often I do it, and anything else one might wish to ask (as it is so often asked), but know this: I thoroughly look forward to it! When I must leave, as I had to for the holiday weekend, I felt like a chain smoker without a pack of cigs. I had withdrawals. All I wanted to do was check my emails to make sure that the newsletter was sent out and that the companies in transition, did so smoothly.

When we find something that we love, putting in the effort, even if painful will be overshadowed by the great thrill or enjoyment of it; whether guitar, marketing topics, work, or otherwise.

I plan to make something I love a part of my life, central or periphery.